On Media and Men and Women Who Used to be Boys and Girls

I had a great conversation with a friend of mine today; the kind of conversation I think should happen more often and probably happens more often than we think. It was on the phone, which is wonderful. I mean, I think we would all be well served to spend more time listening to the voices of people we care about and less time looking at their avatars. But today, talking on the phone was also very sad to me because the reason we talked is he wanted to chat about women and the media and had a follow up question: “What about the men”?

He didn’t want to post on social media for fear of backlash. Here’s the thing, though: 

What about the men?

It’s an important question and, if we are to continue the conversation about media (and we should!), we have to start talking more about the ways men are represented. The conversation is often about women and the pressures to live up to an unattainable physical ideal.

From the time we are young girls, we are taught that we should be thin, beautiful, charming; strangers ask us to smile in the middle of bad days when all we want to do is cry. 

I’d like to have a conversation about the men.

From the time they are young boys, they are taught they should be strong, brave, funny, athletic, powerful, financially successful; the last thing they need in the middle of a bad day is people making fun of them, so they try not to cry at all.

I don’t have to be a man, or an expert on them, to see that. I just have to open my eyes and look around at the same ads and programs we use to point out the way women are represented, and imbued with unattainable ideals.  We look at ads and say “women are being treated violently” and yet, it isn’t often enough that I hear anyone say: “men are being presented as violent.”

Ladies, we’re not alone in our media battle. Guys, I’m sorry.

I know a lot of women, myself included, who, at some point in their lives, failed to remember one very important thing: men are people too. Like, ACTUAL people. They are not objects, or banks, or entertainment. They have feelings, fears, self-doubt, pain from childhood that lingers; they’ve suffered heartbreak. They also have hopes, dreams, and goals; just like us, and many of those are informed by the media, just like ours. 

Just like we are out here, some of us literally dying to be unattainably thin, altering our bodies, getting things injected into our faces; they are out there, some of them chasing power, prestige, a ripped physique, a host of women…and for what?

What the media tells boys about being men is just as harmful as what it tells girls about being women.

That ad we condemned because the woman’s appearance was altered? You know, the one with the two tiny waisted, full breasted, scantily clad women draped over the scruffy faced, shirtless man like a fashion accessory*? (Yes, that could be almost ANY ad.) See, that man doesn’t look like that either and that watch he’s wearing – it costs $15,000. I’m tired of hearing about the woman being an accessory without that conversation including what this says about masculinity and how it is misinforming and hurting our boys, because they are going to become our men.

Are you a man who does his best, treats people well, is kind, good, giving, honest, and sometimes still feels less than because he isn’t tough, hilarious, rich, or powerful?

Are you a man who thinks his wife is the most beautiful creature he’s ever seen, and every day his TV tells him he’s wrong?

I’m sorry. I’m so, so sorry.

In case no one told you today, you’re wonderful. Just the way you are. And your wife? She’s fucking beautiful. 

*Fictional ad that could be real.