On Quitting vs Empowering Change

This morning, I slept too late, as is my new ritual. I’ve taken to putting off getting out of bed as long as possible. The days all start the same, no matter the time: roll to my right side, cross my left arm over my body, push myself up, hear my hips clack, pause, push, clack, pause, groan, whimper, look at the floor, recognize I’m sitting up straight, open the drawer, take my supplements and the pill that makes me feel this way.

This morning I skipped the last step. 

After a move I feared would leave me feeling like a quitter, I made the drive to work this morning feeling empowered.

Because, seriously, f*ck feeling like sh*t every day. F*ck this poison in my body.

Maybe I won’t ever feel good again. Maybe it was all some crazy coincidence: the decline of my physical health and the introduction of Accutane to the picture, but maybe not. Maybe I’ll get this drug out of my system and everything will stop hurting. Maybe I’ll be able to stop missing events, start running again, regain my productivity.

Tonight, I’m going to bed late, but I wanted to tell you this before I did: I’m still pain today, and in the morning I may sleep too late again. The steps that get me out of bed may stay the same, my bones may clack, I may whimper in pain, but I’m still skipping the step that keeps me feeling this way. I’m going to keep skipping it until I don’t feel this way anymore, and every day after that.

Then maybe I’ll go run a million miles, and raise a million dollars for kids. And, honestly, just the hope of that was enough to get me through today.